aunabjo

aunabjo @ 2009-05-13T19:37:00

2009-05-14T03:01:12Z

All these classy classified classifications. You're you now, but let me set words for your own restriction. Be free free free! As free as you feel! But let the language spread to other tongues so your feelings are now unreal.
"Because nothings better than saying what you did or what you'll do."
Not even doing it?
" Who's to say it happened if you will. These are my words dear friend, if others use them, it makes me right. I'll put myself above you because of the things I've described."
But the reality of this is you'll never see the light, the way the color was captured in matter that never before existed to my eyes. And look, just look! Look above and below you, where you never thought something sparkling to be found. You moving thing, keep on growing, because you cant hear a sound. And tell me why a judgement was made about the youth around you now. Us growing things, we'll keep on growing until no words are left to tell.

aunabjo @ 2009-05-05T15:10:00

2009-05-05T22:15:44Z

I believe it's necessary to relieve the weight we put on ourselves day in and day out. For the past..oh let's say...three months or so I have been relentless on myself. Carrying thoughts that only have to enter my conscious process once to be deemed important by whatever is so enthralled by them. But recently something changed. The feeling of good love and inspiration shot through all the rigid criticism I had against myself.

Bonnaroo is a month away. Excited is a huge understatement.

Animal Collective...twice in two weeks? I can definitely dig it.

This summer already smells of a sweet melody and we are all humming along.

AMANDA IS ALMOST HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aunabjo @ 2009-04-06T02:38:00

2009-04-06T09:40:16Z

feelings.

aunabjo @ 2009-03-21T21:41:00

2009-03-22T04:44:40Z

MGMT
I almost forgot the good feelings.

Oh....they are definitely good.

aunabjo @ 2009-03-20T17:35:00

2009-03-21T00:36:17Z

In good spirits.

aunabjo @ 2009-03-13T13:31:00

2009-03-13T20:43:08Z

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past."

aunabjo @ 2009-02-04T22:56:00

2009-02-05T06:06:26Z

American Education as an Addictive Process

Undergraduates come to me very often and say, "I want to go on to graduate school in psychology. Where should I go?" And I always ask them the question, "Why do you want to study psychology?" And as I listen to them, usually one of two answers develops. Answer number one is: "I want to become a psychologist. I want to play the psychology game. I want to be able to play the role and use the terms you use, and I want to be an assistant professor and then an associate professor and then a full professor, and I want get tenure, and maybe if I'm really ambitious, I might get to be president of the American Psychological Association." Well, that's fair enough, and for someone who has that ambition I can give them advice about the strategic universities to go to, like go to Michigan or Yale but don't go to XYZ.

Some students, though, will say, "I want to study psychology because I want to study human nature" or "I want to find out what's what." To do some good. And then I can tell them, well, forget about graduate school. What kind of good do you want to do? Do you want to help the mentally ill? Then get yourself committed to a mental hospital. Stay there for a year or two; you'll learn more about mental illness in that two years than our profession has learned in a hundred years. If you want to learn about delinquency and reducing crime, go down to the tough section, learn the crime game, learn how to make a man-to-man contact with tough guys, learn from them why they are crooks and criminals. Spend a year in prison, no as a psychologist, but maybe as a guard, or cleaning up garbage, and you'll learn more than you will ever learn in a criminology textbook. That is how it goes. There is no problem that can't be best solved and best worked out at this stage of ignorance by getting right into the reality.

Of course, another objection to this suggestion is: "After all, we do need some information and we do need facts and we have to learn them in university courses." And I say, "Sure there are existential problems; there are certain times when in trying to solve an existential problem you will want to borrow the experience and the data of previous investigators." You can use the library, but again, beware, it's just like a narcotic. Library books are very dangerous addictive substances. Like heroin, books can become an end in themselves. I made the suggestion years ago at Harvard University that they lock up Widener Library, put chains on the doors, and have little holes in the wall like in bank tellers' windows, and if a student wanted to get a book, he would have to come with a little slip made out showing that he had some existential, practical question. He wouldn't say that he wanted to stuff a lot of facts in his mind so that he could impress a teacher or be one up on the other students in the intellectual game. No. But if he had an existential problem, then the library would help him get all the information that could be brought to bear on that problem.

Needless to say, this plan didn't make much of a hit, and the doors of the Harvard Library are still open. You can still get dangerous narcotic volumes without a prescription at Harvard.

— Excerpt from American Education as an Addictive Process and Its Cure by Timothy Leary

---------------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - --------------------------------------------
We have all definitely gone our separate ways over the years. I hope you are well wherever you are and stay well wherever you are going. I'm not taking business classes, or anything that wants to teach me how to succeed in this world by making money. Film, writing, more film...and more writing.

As cliche and cheesy as it may be... Love still undeniably changes a person inside and out. And it is constantly happening all around us.

Dear California

2009-01-26T19:29:13Z

Thank you...

For raining on us while Animal Collective sung us across the border. For the cloud that was falling to the ground. For giving us oranges and grandma's stew. For broken clouds in the sky and melrose girls that make me realize how greatful I am for the people I have in my life. For cancelling Animal Collective, and the homeless man I gave all my money to. For Courtney and Val Kimer and that other guy with huge hair plus the other 6 Animal Collective fans that came over to our Motel. And for that motel, because the Asian owners have a Jim Morrison room. For Modelo and plants and new friends. For cramming 6 people into a car to listen to leaf house, peacebone, and merriweather. For the pier, the roller coaster, hugs from strangers, and a ferris wheel that parked us over the black ocean. For that moment we realized everything was for a reason, at least for two days. For the morning we packed bags, drove to the cemetary hill, and we felt okay with everything. And finally, thank you for all of those moments I felt like I was in the right place at the perfect time.

09

2009-01-22T22:03:29Z

Burning Man

aunabjo @ 2009-01-14T23:51:00

2009-01-15T07:22:30Z

Print me this.
In return I'll run, and jump, and sing you songs until the night is gone.
Organ.
While you turn on your faith because the day has rained away the warmth.
In your hands.
It's easier to say when you're miles away from them.
Please know.
That my blood still will rush if you tell me exactly what's in your brain.
And believe in.
Your dialated thoughts when the lights are shut off.
You've won.
But still decades away from the noon where you lay with the roots.
It is what it is.
For his eyes did shut when I dug him into the grain.
Before it all begins.
It's always harder to tell what pigment someone will stain.

You're veins run through dirt into water.
A color bleach will never drain.

aunabjo @ 2009-01-14T12:42:00

2009-01-14T20:09:47Z

Force the tracks beneath you
They collapse to your hunting
When the time can get you
Your sinking song will fail too

You've made it this far
Unraveled tissue of lights
Settling is hard
Free and will are difficult
Until you know they aren't

The shine of what's after
This dull dead apartment
Can make you so much better
It's okay to make believe

Shaded so well
When you nest in the crater
Gravity is strangling
Settling is hard

When the time can get you
It's okay to make believe

aunabjo @ 2009-01-13T02:16:00

2009-01-13T09:19:33Z

aunabjo @ 2009-01-09T02:12:00

2009-01-09T09:46:37Z

I've figured out a lot of things lately.

"What things?"

There is no such thing as a fact, or an anti-christ.
Everything is in you, your mind...and none of us can make up our own. And so we listen. We listen to everything everyone else has to say and never make our own hypothesis. Realize the scientist has a daughter, a waste bin, and a struggle. Your neighbor too. Both hands made of the same tissue.

"So you're telling me science is wrong?"

No. Im telling you it's an idea. The way we saw things fit together. Maybe we mixed a few fragments and mistook them
for eachother. Or maybe there's more to what's already there. There has to be flaw for there to be figure. When you understand that, then you can see without heart or mind. Simply observation.

" You've figured that we really know nothing."

We know what we know. The problem is just that... We seem to be okay with it.

"Are you okay with it?"

Defintiely not.

aunabjo @ 2008-12-21T19:49:00

2008-12-22T02:57:59Z

When you're so close to finding what you think you need, you realize that an entirely new process will start itself towards what you really need.

aunabjo @ 2008-12-12T12:43:00

2008-12-12T19:43:30Z

Im sad

aunabjo @ 2008-11-21T19:08:00

2008-11-22T02:36:29Z

What's on your mind lately?
"Everything."

What about everything?
"I'm starting to think that I don't care enough about everything. But at the same time I care a lot about things."

What do you care about?
" I care about how they moved away and how I don't speak with them as much as someone who says they love them so much should. I actually think about this a lot. I wonder if it makes me a bad person, or if I just stopped talking because I'm lazy, or if I just miss them so much that knowing I can't see them just makes me really sad."

Something about that has to make you very sad. You're crying right now.

"Something about this does make me very sad. I want them to understand I love them. But that's hard to make a person understand."

I agree.

"I've changed"

We all change. I think it's most difficult to deal with the change that's happening to yourself. Are you confused about the change?
" Very. I still miss those days."

You talk about missing things quite often. Do you ever think that it's actually that those things you miss are things you want the most?
" They are. I'm just afraid I'll never find them again. And that is a crushing feeling."

Can I tell you something?
"Of course."

You will find them again.
" I know."

Really?

"Yes. We all have our irrational fears."

aunabjo @ 2008-10-26T13:57:00

2008-10-26T21:24:01Z

So that day, do you ever miss it?
"Of course. In August heat we all miss December."

And in December?
"We miss the ocean."

Do you remember what that day felt like?
"We all remember what it felt like."

How does that make you feel now?
"Like I'm a part of someone, someone's memory. But that doesn't mean anything right now. It just is."

Why doesn't that mean anything to you right now?
"Because right now I'm talking to you. I don't know if I'll remember this 10 years from now, but I will remember you. I will remember all of the questions you made me ask myself, and all of the answers I never found. I want to thank you for that. You gave me something to search for."

No one understands

2008-10-24T00:53:35Z

how fucking amazing Beck is.

aunabjo @ 2008-10-21T18:06:00

2008-10-22T01:07:41Z

Chapotle > Berry Good

aunabjo @ 2008-09-03T00:21:00

2008-09-03T07:30:39Z

Ben.Car. Model home intruding. Moths. Rocks. Cig. smoke. mountains. hatebreed. drunk ass. starbucks. overhearing annoying conversations about sex. Having non annoying conversations about sex. hates snakes. hates fizzy drinks. leave. you're a wolf. the diving bell. little frog that looks like rock. no country for old men was a remake? You should know that. But it's not. Saul Williams. The poet laureate. Billy Collins. Tremelo. Berge. Aunts house. Wicker Man. Youtube. "findings". First fridays. Call Dan. Super Smash bros again. And now I wait.

I may go into detail another time. Im super tired.

aunabjo @ 2008-09-01T14:31:00

2008-09-01T21:37:27Z

Im avoiding getting ready to go out because it's the worst process. I hate it...a lot. I had a decent weekend. I spent my Friday night with Diana and we had an amazing time. We drove, listened to great music, felt great, and talked a lot. It was very nice. Saturday Dan took me out and the night didnt turn out to be everything i hoped it would be, but of course I still had a great time. And then last night was perfect. Megan and I went to Jayme's new apartment and we ended up talking on Jayme's couch for 4 hours straight. Then Megan and I left, smoked, and just drove around. It was a really good night. I don't know what else to mention really. I had a good weekend and that's all I needed.

Dan is still great. He took me to my interview at PF Changs, which went really well. So I may or may not have a second job pretty soon. I believe tomorrow Im going to get my car. That's actually really exciting and way overdue.

Anyway, Im going to suck it up and go get ready for whatever Im doing today.

aunabjo @ 2008-08-29T19:29:00

2008-08-30T02:36:41Z

Cant you see what those women have been doing to you?

Let's be vague for a few more seconds.

I have this feeling in my bones that wont settle, and the siesmicity of this has dismantled me.

three.

I know more about this that you will ever realize, or ever know. I know what it feels like.

two.

I have all of our conversations flooding me when I picture what it could be.

one.

But there's nothing I can do about it. Go, be happy, please.

I had a great time with Dan the other night. We went to see Mirrors, which ended up being horrible of course. Though I must admit that a few scenes of gore were the best I've seen in quite some time. After that we went to Dennys and I got my usual cup of coffee and he got his smothered cheese fries, which are actually really good if you can man up to the stomach ache that follows. We purchased a bottle of wine and shared it over some conversation on the comfy couch. It was a really good talk. At one point I had just finished my sentence and he just grabbed my face and kissed me. (haha.not in a violent way) But the way someone should when they like you. "What was that for?" He said he just loved listening to me and complimented me on looking lovely that night. It was incredibly adorable. Let me tell you this, Dan is a great person. I think I've actually said those exact words already. Anyway, the night went really well.

I still hate Berry Good but it looks like I might have a morning job at PF Changs, which I am in desperate need of.

So, now I have to go shower and get ready for tonight. But I hope everyone is happy and doing all of the things they want to do.

aunabjo @ 2008-08-27T06:12:00

2008-08-27T13:46:48Z

It's 6:12 in the morning. I was up until 2am last night, well technically this morning but it just feels too weird to say that. I had a good night last night. Stephanie picked me up and we went to her dorm/apartment thing. I guess I could mention that on the way we stopped at QT and I purchased the biggest Rooster Booster light of my life. Then only reason I feel the need to tell you this is because it was quite possibly the most thirst quenching beverage I've consumed in a long time. My house doesnt have groceries, so I get along with good ol tap water and ice generally. Anyway, so we ended up taking a nice walk through the humid weather to a little convenience store on canvas(I was just rereading this entry for spelling errors, yes I do that, and I thought it was funny that I wrote canvas instead of campus. SPEAKING of which, Kayla needs to buy me one soon!) and Steph bought me some food with her sweet meal plan card. We ran into this guy a million times in a span of 10 minutes. That's always awkward. Especially when it's like face to face run in. Weird. On our walk back to the dorm we had a run on joke about those beatles that are obnoxiously loud. They sound like the buzzer noise from some shitty game show, except obviously broken and very strained. To be honest, I have no clue what they are called. She said the name and its like my brain didnt really care enough to remember it. But we did decide on what the beatles look like, even though we've never seen them. The description was something along the lines of putting our hands in front of our mouths and acting like buzzing aliens. It would be hard to explain unless you see it, you know? But ask me sometime and I'll show you. So we ended up watching a clockwork orange, which turned out to be phenominal. Then we drove back to my side of town and just talked and I texted Amanda. They were very good texts and they made me miss her a lot. She dropped me off with Diana at Pf Changs, and I saw Alex. I find him very interesting. He's just one of those people you're glad to know because there really aren't a lot of people like him. Diana and I drove and met up with Ben, smoked, and layed on the sidewalk in West Wing and star gazed. Start gazing really never gets old to me. Every time I get just as excited about it. Last time the three of us had done that, Diana and I declared what stars were ours. I remember that's when Ben and I use to mail eachother letters. And I remember one talking about our stars. Those letters were really good. Just simply good, and they made me smile a lot. I remember that. I dont know where they are though. Im hoping they are tucked away safely in my closet somewhere. I should get on looking for those. Im terribly sorry if you are reading this and it seems very long. It is, and I just realized that. I dont know if it's just the morning, but I feel like I have a lot to say.

I really do miss Amanda a lot. I love her so much. She's just a great person. I can't wait until Christmas. We are going to have such a great time. I can picture it already. First Fridays, arbor mist, dancing, and a whole lotta driving with Mars Volta and Built to Spill. Maybe we'll plan some sort of Flagstaff trip. I really do hope it's going to be as good of a winter as I am imagining it to be. I think we all deserve it after this past year. I'm going to make her a playlist.

I'm currently making a grocery list. I feel good waking up this early, like I have a lot more time to just do things. I'm really hoping Dan isnt busy today because I would like to invite him to go grocery shopping with me and just hang out at my house. It sounds very entertaining. I would probably cook something for him and be all cheesy and whatnot. Im also finding that I am really bad at making grocery lists. There's so much pressure on me to get the right things and not forget anything. I guess we can't be good at everything, and it just so happens that my weakness is grocery lists. I guess that's one of the better things to be bad at in life though.

So far:

Eggs
Cheese Slice & shredded cheese (It feels good to use the '&' symbol)
Vegetables
Fruit
Tropicana Orange Aid
frozen mixed veggies
milk
yogurt ( as if Berry Good isn't satisfying enough...every.single.day.of.my.life.)
granola ( the good honey vanilla crunchy kind)
frozen chicken

and I dont know what else. There's a lot Im forgetting, I already can tell.

So Im off to have a good day hopefully, I think that's a good daily goal.

Oh! and look what I found! Pictures from The Crucible!

Sup Elizabeth Proctor?

Oh god I miss Kody

Oh god I miss Jwebb.
(too many people to miss!)

All I was thinking about was 'Spin the Shoe'...oh chet

I forgot that Riki was there. I forgot that we use to be best friends. I think I need to call him soon.

I'll post pictures from other plays/musicals soon. I never did do that and it makes me feel like an asshole.

Good god, it's so beautiful outside before 7am.

aunabjo @ 2008-08-26T00:22:00

2008-08-26T07:47:10Z

I'm not at all resistant to this weather.

We were writers. People who had a view and weren't afraid of being blinded. And realized that everything is temporary, even in it's own confinement. You can't leave a place because of illness or self testament. And still you'll never need someone as much as the one you've fallen into. So you can creep inside with your carving of me mantled at your side and boil your soul down to grime. Just run on with your idea of better times and we'll all be alright. And still you'll never need someone as much as the one you left. I'll fill the bucket to the brim, but the falling rain always feels the same on your own skin. If your cells were never there, and science is right, you can still starve with your carvings of them mantled at your side.

I dont remember the last time I decided to just completely give up on something, and I won't make the memory any time soon.

aunabjo @ 2008-08-24T23:27:00

2008-08-25T06:58:58Z

Call me naive, but I dont get sad when Im watching Gene Simmons Roast and the marines show up. It apparently was a sentimental moment and I wasn't particularly caught in its drift. Apparently he thinks that veterans should show up at schools so our youth can look into the eyes of some heroes. Not purposely relishing in this cynical moment of mine, but uh...that's probably the worst idea I've heard of since D.A.R.E.
The only good thing that came out of that was a free trip to castles n coasters in 7th grade....when I walked into the girls bathroom to find three of my classmates smoking marijuana. Irony isn't always funny, but hey, that's pretty good. Not saying that the veterans are going to provoke the use of drugs obviously, but I just think that it's a bad idea. By the way, this is coming from the girl who never said the pledge in middle school.

Extroverts are annoying as hell when they have a few too many drinks in them. Sorry, but I'd rather be a wallflower sipping on heineken than a pretentious girl wailing about how she wants to be as skinny as Kate Moss, trying to figure out how many calories are in a beer. This was coming from the same girl who was bragging about her stance as an environmentalist with a future degree in engineering. Someone has their priorities a little skewed.

A storm is brewing outside.There's an imminent idea of a walk with a cig in my hand.

As cliche and ridiculous as it may seem, sometimes life is just that good.